“tell me about that. i’m listening.”

“Tell me more.”

I said this to my son tonight. We were in a heated argument. I was getting upset. He was getting upset. I stopped the conversation before it could go any further and went to my room. I took a deep breath and went to his room, where he was sitting on his bed, and he said,

”You don’t listen to me. And I’m so sick of it,” among other things.

I stood in silence as he looked at me with glaring eyes and a tense jaw. I was shocked. I was anxious. I was hurting.

He was hurting. I knew what I had to do.

I wanted to keep my promise that I made to him and my daughter many, many years ago. I told them,

“I’m not perfect but I do my best to be the best mom I can be to you. I know that I will make a lot of mistakes and hurt you. Please know that it is never intentional. But when I do, when I’ve injured you in some way and it hurt you, please come to me and tell me. I don’t care if it’s been years later. I will not ever say, “It wasn’t like that,” or “you’re remembering it wrong,” or “that’s not what happened.” I promise that I will stop whatever I am doing and look right at you and say,

“Tell me about that. I am listening.”

I promised them that I would listen. No matter what. And that I hear them and validate their experience. I want them to know that I respect them. That I see them. That they matter. I myself didn’t have this opportunity until recently in my own relationship with my mom. I don’t want my kids waiting until they are in their 40s to be heard. They deserve to be heard now. Today.

I listened tonight. I listened to my son let his raw feelings out. I listed as he let his anger out. I listened as he told me exactly how he felt. He had some valid points. He was honest. He was real.

My response to him was,

“It makes total sense that you would feel that way. And I am so sorry that I hurt you. I promise to do better and I ask that you forgive me. It was really brave and mature of you to speak your truth. I validate it and want you to know that I hear you. And I love you.”

We can sometimes forget that our children are human beings. Human being with feelings, emotions, thoughts, and can get hurt just as us adults do. I don’t want to repeat the same patterns I lived with growing up. I know that I can do better because I know better. I want my kids to feel heard and know that they are seen. That they are validated and that they matter.

We may not see eye to eye. In fact, we don’t most of the time. He has his perspective and I have mine. Though I am his parent, I do try to remember that he is a whole person, outside of me. A whole person who experiences the same feelings and emotions that I do, in his own way.

I admit, I have some work to do. I have some things to shift. And I appreciate that growth and learning will be coming from one of my most favorite humans….my son. My heart.

In the aftermath of this event, I give myself grace. Compassion. Love. Forgiveness. I know that I am a good mom. My son knows that I love him.

And I will keep listening. xx