i choose

I am working on being more intentional. After living more than 4 decades pretty much on autopilot and behind a carefully crafted wall, it’s taking some practice and time to dismantle. To slow down and think. Feel. Choose. Believe me when I say, it’s W O R K. Work, people. One of the things I’ve been making a part of my healing is to acknowledge my feelings. My thoughts. My wants. My desires. I’ve spent so much time….too much time….repressing myself and focusing on the outside of myself and not taking the time to check in with ME. When someone asks me “What do you want?”, imagine my eyeballs getting as big as saucers and my shoulders head up to my ears because I have no freaking clue. Or at least, I didn’t. I am learning to tune in to myself and deliberately ask myself:

WHAT DO I NEED?

WHAT DO I WANT?

HOW AM I FEELING?

GO AHEAD. ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS TOO.

“What do I need? What do I want? How am I feeling?”

These questions are still very much foreign to me and feel a little weird to ask, but I am getting a bit more comfortable with them and allowing myself to answer those questions. And doing so is actually helping me look inward and get to know myself. True story - I never thought I could (or should) consider myself. Ever. I am unlearning this in the school of life.

My living on autopilot has not been a healthy behavior. I’m not proud of it. I’m not proud of being there for everyone else and not for myself. I’ve never been ok with not knowing what I want. I was always jealous of those that seemed to. There is no pride in putting myself dead last on my list. It’s only set me up for resentment, anger, and pouring from an empty cup. It’s caused internal conflict, reactivity, feeling down about myself, impatience, having low self esteem and feeling stagnant and uninspired. I also feel it has contributed to my anxiety and depression. Whew! I’m not holding back today, am I?

Nowadays, I’m learning to step back. How? I start with an intention most days on how I want to feel. In the past, I would wake up most days and just go. Making quick decisions. Running on empty. Not giving my best to the people I love. Not giving my best to myself. Such a vicious cycle. Such an unhealthy cycle. Now, since I’m trying to undo some damage and unlearn patterns I’ve lived with, I make a deliberate choice to CHOOSE.

In what ways do I want to show up now? When I come in contact with someone, how do I want to feel? How do I want to represent myself? At the end of the day, how do I want to feel? What do I want to learn today? What small step can I take today, or right now, to get me closer to the person that I want to be?

So, what am I choosing?

I choose authenticity - I, along with the rest of humanity, can fall victim to falling asleep on ourselves. We put on masks. We build walls to keep others out. I know that I have been guilty of falling asleep to the real me. So, how do I change that? I’ve been chiseling away at the outer layer to get to the “gold” of me. The outer layer that consists of expectations, false stories, minsudertandings and assumptions. For me this chiseling away represents me getting to the essence of me. Being true. Being real. I really want to be true and real. I think the closer I get to the gold of me, the closer I am to authenticity.

I choose courage - scary as shit, but making myself do it anyway. Making mistakes, apologizing where needed, doing things I’ve never done before. Saying things I’ve never given voice to. Feeling things that I have let myself ignore. COURAGE is scary. COURAGE is necessary. Courage is a must in healing and growing.

I choose vulnerability - as I open myself up more to what I want/need/desire, this practice is leading me to meeting more of myself and not being afraid of myself. You guys - it’s WORK. Meeting me has been a trip. And then letting others see that me? Damn. The other day, I was completely vulnerable with my friend about something I was struggling with. And while I was scared shitless because I didn’t know how it would be received, I felt so much better after I let myself be vulnerable and emotionally naked with her. It unlocked something in me. Released something in me. And I’ll do it again. Because remember, real and true? That’s what I’m aiming for as I believe that intimacy must include vulnerability, in any relationship.

I choose depth - undoing the layers of a mask that I’ve lived behind for too long. Anyone else relate? I was TERR-I-FIED to let people in. So let’s keep things on the surface, k? But that no longer is working for me. I WANT deep. Soul. Connecting. Depth. Nothing superficial. Sure, let’s still have fun (I LOVE fun!) and keep something things light (let’s not be serious ALL THE DAMN TIME), but as for my relationships - the important ones? DEEP baby. Ones that support me, hold space for me, stretch me and fill my heart with all the ooey gooey lovey dovey things. To be honest, this is a work in progress. A daily work in progress. Some days I am more open than others but the point is that I’m doing the work to go deep. Everyday.

I choose passion - I feel the things. And I feel them deeply. I wasn’t aware of that before. Because I was so damn quick to push them to the side. But I find that I am a very passionate person. I feel all the things. Love most of the things. I desire and want to be better for me and those around me. But mostly for me. My mentor has taught me that it’s OK to live with passion….to be all that I can be, while I am still learning, growing and healing. That I don’t have to hold back.

I choose myself - those questions up there? “What do I need? What do I want? How am I feeling?” Those are the ones that are helping me open the door to myself. I am determined to know me. To support me. To like me. To love me.

I am choosing. xx