forgive yourself

The other day I was talking to someone and apologized to them for something that I did. I was completely honest with this person and shared with them something that I was ashamed of but I wanted to own it and move forward. I knew the reason behind my actions and knew without doubt that I needed to make amends and apologize. I said through tears,

“I was being an asshole. I should not have acted that way and I am really sorry. It will not happen again. I ask that you forgive me.”

This person said (paraphrased), “Don’t say that about yourself. Don’t talk about yourself like that. You are not and you can’t think of yourself like that. I know that’s not who you are. Now that you know what’s going on, you can do something about it now. Thinking that way about yourself will stop you from moving forward.”

They’re right.

I am good at forgiving others. I figure, if someone comes to me with a heartfelt apology and they are sincere (I can usually tell), I will definitely take that in, be generous and accept their apology and trust that they will make an effort not to do it again.

Now, go ahead. Ask me if I can extend that same grace towards myself. Can I?

Uhhhh….NOPE. Sadly, the answer is no.

My relationship with self forgiveness is a complicated one. There was always something about beating myself up that I couldn't (and still can’t at times) let go of. I have always beaten myself up when I make a mistake. I remember growing up and when I disappointed anyone, I would feel so horrible and get really down on myself. I would feel like I was the worst. Can you imagine how heavy that was to hold for a young child? I HATED messing up. I hated letting others down. I hated disappointing someone. I hate not being seen as having it together.

Today, I still hate it when I’ve hurt others. When I didn’t do it right the first time. When I engage in actions that are not in line with my values or self-beliefs, I notice that it can lead to feelings of guilt and regret. Or worse - self loathing. Is this why I called myself an asshole? Self loathing - this is when I give myself a good beat down.

Self forgiveness is something that I am working on and while I have a ways to go, I am making small steps to give myself some grace, learn from my mistake, let it go and move on.

So, how am I working on forgiving myself?

|TAKE RESPONSIBILTY + PRACTICE SELF COMPASSION

I take responsibility. This part I actually do like. It’s not hard for me to to take responsibility for something I’ve done. It makes me grow, stretches me and helps me see that I am not a completely horrible human being because I have the self awareness that I’ve done something wrong so that means I’m not a psychopath - that feels like a good quality to have! The part that I am trying to implement now along with taking responsibility is to add in some self compassion. Self compassion is a game changer. I notice it helps in easing up on myself and not give myself the beat down I thought I deserved.

|FEEL REMORSEFUL

When taking responsibility for a mistake, you might experience some negative feelings, including guilt and shame. When you've done something wrong, it's completely normal, even healthy, to feel guilty about it. These feelings of guilt and remorse can serve as a catalyst to positive behavior change. This is a good thing. Yep, I can feel guilty. I can feel bad. Is it remorse? Is it shame? I am slowly learning to be ok with myself when I make a mistake and to let the guilt come. To feel it. But sometimes that guilt will lead me to feeling shameful. There is a difference between the two.

Guilt implies that you're a good person who did something bad and shame makes you see yourself as a bad person. Big difference. Making a mistake, doing some wrong, or totally messing up and then feeling guilty does not make me a bad person. Or an asshole. It makes me human, self aware and determined not to make the same mistake again, especially when that mistake has hurt someone. When I’ve hurt someone, I move into the next step - action.

|MAKE AMENDS + RESTABLISH TRUST

One way to move past my guilt is to take action to fix my mistakes.

I find that when I apologize, own my part and strive to make amends, it also frees me up to forgive me. It’s a release that pushes me towards moving on once I can reach out to who I need to make amends with. It’s not always a smooth process…I still have some work to do under the hood. It can still be a bit shaky moving forward. But when I take action towards fixing my mistake, it means I don’t have to question if I could have done more. Did I do everything to repair this? If the answer is yes, then I can move on. And owning your mistake and reaching out to make amends helps to build trust and is full of integrity. Be that person - the one who can own it, apologize, and do better. To me, that’s sexy af.

|FOCUS ON MOVING FOWARD…..WITH A LESSON

Everyone makes mistakes and has done or said things that they feel sorry or regretful for. Falling into a trap of self hatred, rumination or even pity can be extremely damaging and make it difficult to maintain your self-esteem and motivation. I think this is what my spouse was alluding to that day. (This means not calling myself an asshole, right?) Letting go and offering yourself forgiveness can help boost your feelings of wellness and improve your image of yourself. Numerous studies have demonstrated that when people practice self-forgiveness, they experience lower levels of depression and anxiety. It’s science, people!

Forgiving myself requires finding a way to learn from the experience and to grow as a person. To do this, I need to understand why I behaved the way I did and why I feel guilty. What can I learn from this? How can I grow from this?

I am learning to forgive myself when I make a mistake. It’s OK to do so. It necessary. It’s good for me. I also know that it hurts a hell of a lot more when I punish myself instead of loving myself through a fall.

Forgiving people who have hurt you can be challenging, but forgiving yourself can be just as difficult. It is important to remember that learning how to forgive yourself is not a one-size-fits-all process. It’s a work in progress, for sure.

Take responsibility. Feel sincere remorse. Reach out and make honest amends. Take in the lesson and move forward. And sprinkle lots of self compassion on top of all of that.

Keep working at it. It’ll get easier as you practice. I promise. xx

“Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.” | Desmond Tutu