real life: conflict in relationships

You’re normal. Going through periods of high conflict is completely normal. It happens to almost all couples, and you and your spouse are probably no worse or better than others when it comes to conflict in relationship.

So many couples ask: “Is this normal? Do other couples struggle like us? I didn’t know that it would be this hard.”

Even though we never really know what goes on behind closed doors, there’s a very high probability that the couples in your social circle argue as often and as intensely as you and your spouse do, and maybe even more.

Relationships + conflict. Let’s talk about it.

A year ago, I finished my course in relationships (how to build better one). The course showed me how much I didn’t know, despite being in a long term relationship most of my adult life. “How come they don’t teach us this stuff in school?” is what I want to know. It opened up so much honest dialog between my classmates and I. To be met with the realization that many people have challenging seasons in their relationships as well was eye opening and made me feel less alone and that I was in good company.

You guys….we’re SO normal. We can all struggle in our relationships - whether we admit it or not. And we want relationships that help us feel seen, heard and loved. Connection. Safety. Security. It’s all we ever want in relationship.

SO, WHERE IS THE MANUAL ON RELATIONSHIPS?! (I’m asking for a friend.)

Well, if you’re like me and the 15 others who took this course with me, you never recieved that manual on how to have healthy conflict in relationships as you grew up, am I right? Maybe you weren’t modeled what that even looks like. For the most part, I am learning that most of us didn’t have a healthy relationship dynamic modeled to us. I honestly don’t think there is anyone to blame. The dynamics that our grandparents and parents grew up in were more than likely passed down to you and unless you are self aware, you’re probably unknowingly and unintentionally passing those same things down to your children (or are living from those patterns). One of the things I believe and that you’ll hear me say over and over - we can only do what we can do with the level of self awareness that we have. And then when we know better, we can do better.

|Conflict in Romantic Relationships

Which brings me to conflict and relationship, more specifically, romantic relationships. I am no stranger to having conflict in relationship and there is so much that I didn’t know about how it shows up and actually operates in our lives. Relationships can be hard and tricky terrain. That doesn’t mean that when you experience hardship in your relationships that you are doing something wrong. It means that we need better tools on how we manage our relationships.

When we come together in relationship, we each bring with us our own trauma, our own programming, our coping mechanisms, desires, requirements and lenses with us, which means conflict will show up.

Our job is to learn how to navigate conflict in a healthy and loving, compassionate way. And unfortunately, for a majority of us, we weren’t actually taught how to do that. Conflicts in our closest relationships are very scary because there is so much is at stake. Because of this, a lot of our conflict with one another carries with it fear. We risk losing connection to others and that scares the shit out of us. If the conflict doesn't go well, we could lose our marriages, our families, our jobs. And that is scary as hell because all of those things are connected to our security and survival. Our wellbeing. So we do just about anything not to lose those relationships, even if those things are unhealthy. That can include avoiding conflict, abandoning ourselves or being dishonest about our feelings. Unresolved conflict in our relationships affects every single area of our lives, from our self-confidence to physical and mental health. (This does not just apply to romantic relationships-our relationships with family, our children, friends, coworkers….all of those matter and can be affected as well.)

|You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

Unfortunately, one of the biggest causes of divorce is conflict. So many marriages end because of a breakdown in communication and because the repair of conflict in the relationship isn’t handled well. Disagreements will happen in all relationships, but what matters is how we deal with them. The way we deal with an issue with our partner can determine if our relationship is healthy or unhealthy.

I have been separated and divorced for 3 years now. As devastating as it was, I was determined to use this life altering event to grow. It has definitely forced me to look at myself and to look even more closely at the dynamics of my relationship with my partner and where things were unhealthy. I can admit that there were some areas that were very unhealthy.

Repair of conflict was a weak spot for us.

While I loved me and my ex’s (SIDETRACK: anyone else dislike the word “ex”? I feel it has a negative meaning. My ex and I have a civil relationship, are respectable to one another and are able to co-parent successfully. He’s my friend. Not my enemy. But for simplicity purposes, we’ll go with that word here in this post.) life together, there certainly were some seasons and some parts that were harder than others and there were times where we didn’t show up as our best selves for ourselves or one another. I believe that this is from lack of knowledge on our individual parts, lack of maturity in some areas and not having the tools to manage the ruptures that happened. And as always, this only causes me to have compassion for the both of us. The more self aware I can become, the more I can open up a little bit more space around our mistakes, our lack of knowledge and our own personal struggles. Having the insight around this involves honesty and compassion. So, I want to remind you to please be kind to yourself when you make these realizations for yourself. When you face your downfalls, it can be really intimidating and uncomfortable. It’s ok. We are human.

I can call myself out and admit to not being the best communicator. Just because I talk a lot doesn’t mean I can communicate well - but I am learning! High fives! Anyway, communicating well and repairing after conflict was an unhealthy area for my ex and I. We didn’t know how to fight. We weren’t the best listeners. There were lots of misunderstandings. Each of us trying so hard to get the other to see our own view…fighting to be heard. Our arguments could be laced with criticism, sarcasm and accusations. We could argue for hours, wasting a whole day in a battle that wore us both out and caused disconnection. And when we had a rupture, we didn’t know how to repair very well. Some times were better than others but it was a pattern for it to go in the opposite direction of what we wanted. Please know, that this is actually very common amongst couples and it’s nice to hear that we are not the only ones who have struggled with this. So many of us don’t know how to fight fair and repair. And that’s ok….many of us weren’t taught how to do so. Don’t beat yourself up about it. As you unlearn this, you can learn a better way. That is always a good thing.

I won’t speak for my ex and his background but I will say that for me, conflict was not modeled well in my home. There could be yelling, lashing out and reactivity. Feelings were dismissed and emotions were not allowed or were invalidated. I didn’t know that you could have a conversation, be upset and end the argument in a way that left all involved feeling seen, heard validated and loved. I did not know that conflicts in a relationship don't have to turn into down-and-out fights. That you can have a disagreement with your partner without name calling, yelling, blaming, bringing up the past, belittling them, or minimizing your (or their) needs.

I also didn’t know that communication and conflict resolution is a bigger issue in relationships than we care to admit - and one that people rarely talk about. You and your spouse (child, co-worker, friend, etc.) are not the only ones arguing. You are not the only ones arguing all damn day. You are not the only ones fighting about the same thing not knowing how to end the cycle. You are not the only ones showing up in an unhealthy way. You are not the only ones who don’t know how to repair a rupture. You aren’t the only ones who are trying to figure out how to get better at this.

The problem with conflict is that most couples get so focused on their need to be understood that neither partner seeks to understand the other. And so they argue, fight, and verbally tear one another down.

But thank goodness, there are people out there that can teach us how to communicate in our relationships and how to manage conflict better. This is where things begin to change…when you learn and integrate. As I worked through my divorce, I focused on bettering myself and bettering my current (and future) relationships.

So, let’s bring in the people who know more than me. I am a big fan of The Relationship School. It is a fantastic source of information on everything relationship. There is so much insight and goodness coming from Relationship School and I listen to their podcast faithfully. Their mission:

“Our mission is to help humanity build safe, sexy, and successful romantic relationships by giving you the most important education you never received in school.”

I mean, a school for relationships?! Who doesn’t want a sexy, safe and successful relationship? SIGN ME UP! Sign us all up, k?

I was listening to a podcast the other day (as I do everyday, pretty much) and I absolutely loved it. I am currently reading this book “Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships” and the author, Jayson Gaddis (owner of Relationship School), was speaking on conflict in relationships. One, his book is awesome - go get it. Second, the podcast episode was amazing. The way that he and Christine talked about conflict in different relationships in our lives was so beautiful and honestly opened my heart up even more to us humans. And helped me feel not so alone. We are all just learning - “learning to human.” We all can be difficult, hard to deal with and can be less than stellar. But we can learn and change. We can have better communication and resolve conflict in healthier ways with others. I highly suggest listening to it. It’s one of my favorites and I learned a few things that I can use in my various relationships.

|How Do You Do Conflict? What Is Your Conflict Style?

By tuning into my relationships and really looking at how I can show up in conflict, I find that I have SEEKER conflict style. What does that mean?

When I feel the other person going distant, withdrawing or pulling away, I will get anxious and try REALLY hard to get the connection back. “Are we okay, are we okay?” is the question I ask myself or the one I’m in conflict with. I hate (HATE) feeling disconnected from others. A deep fear of abandonment or rejection and being alone is often driving my anxiety, my core feeling. And if you don’t know already, this isn’t a healthy dynamic in relationship as it can unknowingly cause a pursuer/distance dynamic. I know for me, I was the pursuer in my relationship and now that I know that and the why behind it, I can work on showing up differently which can lead to healthier outcomes. I also have to remember that there is a lot going on between two people during conflict and they are a whole different person than me and will see and feel things differently than I do. And that’s OK. I can still hold space for myself, the other person and work towards a healthier interaction.

So, how do I grow from here? To become stronger, my work is to relax in the face of distance, pursue less, and use less words to try to get the connection back. I have worked on getting good at holding myself and “being with” my anxiety and fear. This was/is hard for me! I try to understand what I am projecting onto the other person (Usually, it’s a past figure - mom, dad or caregiver, or a past situation). Since I know that I can come across as anxious or “needy” to the other person, (this is SO embarrassing to admit but there is compassion there) I need to learn to be there for myself in times of stress. So knowing this is a great start for me in learning to manage conflict differently than I have in the past.

|Conflict Is Inevitable

Know that conflict in relationship is absolutely normal and should not be viewed as wrong. It’s not. Conflict occurs in every relationship, which only provides us with opportunities to share concerns, feelings and resolutions that involve negotiation and collaboration. And conflict can be healthy, if done correctly. When it is healthy and productive, relationship conflict gives us a chance to learn about how others see and experience the world. And despite what we feel in conflict, if done correctly, can lead to healthier and deeper relationships.

Conflict is something that we all deal with. Relationships, no matter how much you’re in love or how close you are, will still have conflicts. It’s what you DO in a conflict situation - and what you do afterwards - that matters. It is an area that we all can learn to be better at.